Have You Hugged a Septa Driver Today?

My morning consisted of a LOT of public transportation with a LOT of my fellow public transitors (notice how I not only made up a word here, I used “-or” instead of “-er"...everyone knows that nouns that end in “-or” are MUCH classier...)Apparently, the R5, or now “for our convenience” is simply called the “Paoli/Thorndale Line”, didn’t feel like making the usual express run from Bryn Mawr. People were SCRAMBLING to get on the train at Narberth. I’m pretty sure the conductor shouted “Women and children first!” as people piled on. Chivalry being LONG dead at this point, left poeple pushing and shoving, trying to finagle their way to stand into any crevice (yup- I went there) possible… seriously. By the way, adding to the stress, the train was 10 minutes late-normally this wouldn’t be a big deal. Normally people give themselves some grace time to get to work.

Normally.

Me? Nope.

I take the latest train possible that gets me to work with like 2 minutes to spare if it runs on time… which it never does.

I get it.

Sometimes I set myself up for a problem.

I like drama.

It gets the adrenalin pumping.

Sue me.

No. Don’t sue me.

Just deal with it and read my blog.




But seriously people, us Zone two-ors pay over $120 a month to ride into center city each morning. PLEASE for the love of God, add some more cars! I RARELY get to sit down on my commute to work. Okay, Okay. Do I appreciate that I save like $25 a month by not having a parking spot- sure who doesn’t like to save $25? But this isn’t some graceful train we’re talking about. You know those like fancy ones in Europe or Asia or something.

Septa’s cars are rocky. They are unpredictable. They speed up and slow down, turn on a dime!

Do you KNOW how clumsy I am? Do you KNOW how clumsy I am in heels?

What’s that? Wear sneakers on commute? Like Melanie Griffith in Working Girl?

HELL NO, this is not 1988 and I am not trying to date Harrison Ford, even if he’s down for a chick in some sneaks.


So friends, I will leave you with one question:
Have you hugged a Septa driver today?

Apprently you had to go to an Ivy League college to write comedy.

Mindy Kaling’s book is hilarious. Read it. Go out and buy it. Download it to your kindle. Whatever, just read it.

However, and don’t hate me, but for Mindy being a writer, it’s not really written that well. Maybe it’s because I was expecting more of a memoir. I’m obsessed with memoirs. But Mindy’s book is written more like a blog- a hilarious and thoughtful piece of work- but a blog nonetheless. I guess it’s considered an “essay”.

Who knows?

I’ve been talking about writing a book for the last like four years. I always joke I want to write a memoir about my family, but If I could write a book, in blog style, like Mindy Kaling, and have it sell, I’d be pumped.

But, Mindy’s book did inspire me to get back into blogging. For real this time. Right, right, I know what you’re thinking. I understand I constantly apologize for my mini hiatuses, but this time, NO SIR. I’m not apologizing.

I also recognize that blogging is egotistical, especially when it’s about NOTHING and I expect at least my 3 loyal followers to read it (hi guys!)and live by it, and then text me immediately after posting it to tell me how hilarious I am. I am hilarious.

Awesome.

Instead of an apology, I will leave you with a short list of things I like and dislike. I’ve been really into making mental lists. I've also become increasingly aware of things that annoy the shit out of me.

Things I love:
-Growing my own produce
-Puppies
-Drawing pictures that look like they’re stencils

Things that I dislike:
-Couples that work out together
-Couples that make out post work out
-Couples that fight on the train from NY to Philadelphia and sit right next to me and make it hard for me to even hear my music over their bickering.

Happy Monday!

Call me Suzy Chapstick

So, because I've made millions of dollars in the last year... (obviously not) I bought skis with my friends Jo and Mike (aka my only readers- hi guys!) so I can do something besides hybrinate and gain 1037427932847 lbs this winter.





But, I got a new job, they hired me because I'm so good with paint and photoshop!

Sexy Farmer Look

I'm just gonna jump right out and say it. I know you're all thinking it. THANK GOD my blogs are back. Here we go,


I wish I could explain to the world how Fox's show the New Girl is loosely based on my life. The amount I can relate to Jess, the main character played by Zooey Deschanel, is unbelievable. Whether its her complete inability to have any type of game when it comes to guys, not being able to say the word "penissst" (I prefer "pee-pee boy", or thinking overalls make her look like a "sexy farmer", it never stops surprising me how similar we are.

Compare:

Zooey sporting overalls, heels and librarian glasses,



or... me sporting a white undershirt and jean cut offs 2 sizes to big, actually farming...




Who makes the sexier farmer? You decide. But I think we all know the answer.

Something old, something new, something BALLER, something blue

So once again its been a while, so I thought I'd update you on some fun things that have happened in the last month or so.

I went to Nascar. Thats right. NASCAR. I attended a massive tailgate with 70 JMU alum where speakers were blasting music and pulled pork was abundant. It was quite eventful. Day drinking can get tiresome, but when you start at noon (well i guess 10:30 we had mimosas) and the race doesn't even begin until 7 or 8 you're bound to miss the end. We went into Nascar for atleast half the race, but it was time to go. Our necks were red (no pun intended...maybe) and we were all severely dehydrated... as soon as we got back to my brother's friends parents house (got it?) I beelined for my bed, no longer than several hours of deep sleep I awoke PARCHED. I stumbled to the bathroom, scooped water from the faucet with my hands because only civilized people use glasses (hey, it was nascar remember?) I woke up in the morning and was picked up by Mike and Drew and we drove 35 miles out of the way to get Sonic.. which I had never had before, but must admit has some tasty milkshakes, I could have done without the burger.


What I really wanted to write about was the most amazing night ever. THANK YOU COREY! Corey won q102's Bridesmaids give-away (no... she is not getting married.) She and 9 friends (this girl included) gathered at her apartment last friday around 7:30pm where we were escorted by a limo just a block away to a restaurant called kokopellis. Since said restaurant was only 500 feet from Corey's apartment we asked Maquees (the best driver ever) to please stop at a liquor store for champagne, drive around city hall and prepare himself to get crazy.

We used up almost our entire tab at kokopellis ($800 thanks to Q102) eating delicious tapas style food and taking copious shots of top shelf tequila with the waitress and the bus boy. Now that we were feelin' loose, it was time give Marquees the 20 minute heads up, and roll up to The Roxxy.

There, we cut the line because we was VIP babay, had free entry and Corey had her choice of flavored vodka on Elvis... (No i do not mean that she would be drinking vodka off an elvis but rather I am referring to the Q102 morning talk show "Elvis in the Morning") Being pretty sauced up as we were, we barely put a dent in the liquor and in fact, after about an hour of being there called Marquees and tried to sneak the bottles out in our small jackets... fail.

Words cannot explain how crazy this night was. Thank you Corey and Q102 for making this "bachelorette" party one I (and hte cops outside The Roxxy that flashed their lights for Corey) will never forget!

I lost my flyers virginity

Yesterday was a big day for me...

I went to my first flyers game ever and experienced every single aspect of a hockey game in one night!! Well.. almost ever aspect, except the ONE part I wanted to see, a fight. Sighh... even though there was no fight, it was a really awesome time:

Since my friend mike's fam has these great seats right behind the penalty box, we got to experience hockey players, pucks and penalties at a range I never would have imagined. Then, thanks to my fancy connections as well, we were able to spend most of the second period getting free beers and gourmet (well.. that could be a stretch) food in a suite thanks to a friend of mine- seriously like the best suite in the stadium, center ice... court.. field? what is it called?

As if experiencing my first flyers game from 2 incredible angles wasn't enough, we had several photo-shoots by Print Room Photo Services - you know the guys that walk around with cameras hoping you'll go online and buy the photo instead of just taking the screen shot- thanks for getting that screen shot jo!

The BEST part of the night (YEAH IT GETS EVEN BETTER) which goes beyond discovering it was Dollar Dog Night (which made me love my first flyers experience THAT much more- we all know hot dogs are my favorite meal) but on top of THAT some dude made it RAIN wieners!!! Seriously, we caught on film what will make all of us who attended the game, YouTube celebrities, or atleast the guy we were filming a local celebrity (delluuuusssionnalll???)- which if ANY of you know ANY thing about me, its that I want NOTHING more than to become a youTube star and then get a web redemption with Daniel Tosh, where he falls madly in love with me and we will run off into the Hollywood Hills together... yup.

Check it out.






Peace. Love. Oscar Mayer.

CHUG-A-CHOO-CHOO-BEER!

See what I did there, with the title? I combined Chuga-choo-choo like a train with Chug A Beer... Why am I not on television again??

I know I've been M.I.A but I actually blogged 3 times, I think, in February which is a new record. I think.

Moving on,


ITS THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN.. Time to hop back on a school bus and drink some beers- SAINT PATTYS DAY '11!! Wo0o0o0o0o0o0o!

I dont know what your plans are this weekend, but if you've never gone on the Erin Express, you're missing out. This Saturday, get cho ass to philly and hop on the Erin Express and experience St Pattys day with hundreds of sweaty boozers on a yellow school bus. Okay, to be honest I've only done the Erin Express 1 time before. It was fun, but severely crowded and a ton of waiting around for buses to pick us up.

Not your style? Well if you're anything like me and enjoy craft beer, multiple bars in philly are running specials through the Craft Beer Express targeted at a more "mature audience"- this may sound pervy but they're trying to create events based on quality beer with comfortable amounts of people. For $10, this bus ride will take you to any bars between Kraftworks, Johnny Brenda's, Standard Tap, The Institute, Bishop's Collar, Kite & Key, Jose Pistolas, Sidecar, P.O.P.E, Devils Den,Brauhaus Schmitz & Race St. Cafe. I think I'm in. www.craftbeerexpress.com

okay since the only thing clever/humorous was the title of this blog I'll leave you with a haiku:

St. Patty's Day:

Green is all around
Beer is also all around
Drink beer til you're green.



Peace. Love. St. Patrick